Great sense of loss... Lost

Now that I have so much free time at hand, I feel terribly lost.

And I just discovered and suspect something. He might have blocked me from his msn. That made me feel very bad.
Sigh.

Btw I really regretting blogging in sch that day. Stupidest idea of all. Don't know if anyone saw.

Don't feel like writing anymore.

The end of the First.......... ( 19th Oct- 3months & 12 days)

Oh. It has been 6 months and 1 day since I last entered a blog. I thought it was much much longer. 10 months or so . Aniwae, having a lot of jumbled thoughts now. As usual, I feel a little uneasy. Thought I should just pen it down as encouraged by my friend, KS.

Hmm, just got to know my deployment for next year yesterday on 28th Oct. I will be moving on to JC 2 next year. Although my head had already given me very obvious hints that I will be going on to JC 2, it still came as surprise or rather shock. This is because just a few days before, AS had just told me that according to the SOW, it seems that I won't be going up to JC2. Anyway, when I realised that I am going up without the other two of them, I felt a sense of uneasiness and worry. I am worried that I may not be able to cope with JC2 workload. Hence yesterday I felt quite low. And then there is the Japanese language course at Goro language school to worry about.

Anyway, back to the title, aim of today's blog.... I thought I had let go, or at least the heart will not feel the pain anymore. But I realised it is not true. Especially when I am alone, I am especially vulnerable. It started officially on my 24th birthday and ended on 19th Oct. I smsed him on 19th Oct(Sun) night at about 9 plus. I said, " Not sure if you feel the same way, I feel that our r/s is not working out well because of the lack of communication. Perhaps it might be better if we just remain as friends. He was on msn during that time. He had saw my sms but did not want to reply. Only at about 10.20 did he log off. At about 10.40, it was really troubling me as I had expected some form of response from him. But there was no response! I smsed him again to ask if he were asleep. No reply still. I did not sleep well that night. Woke up many times in the night.
I do not deny the fact that the message was sent on impulse. In fact it was. But no matter how many times I ask myself, I do not regret the decision and should not. It was the right decision afterall each time I rationalise with myself. However, the mind does not connect with the heart many a times. Afterall it was my first! Sometimes I find it really infuriating! Why is it that the guy can feel so numb while I am the one who still hold on it and cannot let go?
I remember we started chatting on msn on Sunday, 22nd June. Apparently he was with his mum at Vivocity on Sat and he saw me. Then he added me on facebook. Sent me 2 emails, one on facebook and the other on hotmail. Also added me as a friend.

It really came as a surprise. In fact I was quite amused. Wonder where did this guy come from? Approach me suddenly. Anyway I thought there was no harm making friends. So I added him on msn and and facebook. Then we had quite a long chat on msn. That was our first and longest chat ever on msn.

Anyway after that we exchanged contacts and he did sms me everyday ( a few times everyday ) and we kept in touch for the first week. Oh yes he did call me another time to find out more details. Well he is really particular about certain things. A scary thing about him. It was all pleasant and sweet. I thought the right person had appeared.

Then we finally met up officially for the first time on 1st July. Strangely I did not enjoy the first meeting and thought all would end after that. Then he smsed me again the next day.
Then went on smsing for the next week. Till he called me on Sun to ask me out on Mon. Which is my 24th Birthday. I was quite touched that he knew and remembered. He is really experienced.

Now as I reflect, I guess I had expected too much from the relationship. I had expected more, which he could not and will never give. All along he was never too committed to the relationship, which makes me wonder why he wanted to start in the first place. Furthermore, as I was always the passive party, I never really dared to voice my opinion. I was at the losing end (especially in terms of emotions) right from the start.
At first I had harboured great hopes for the relationship. However, there was more disappointment than anything. Despite declaring his love for me (which I doubt but at the same time deceiving myself. Because it really felt good even though it might not be real declaration on his part).
There were really many many instances when I really felt very disappointed. Especially on the occasions when he was more free (his off days), he was not even willing to spare some time for me. I felt really insignificant. So many times, I felt neglected.

On the day I went to attend the teaching for transfer talk at NUS on 10th Oct, I was even more disappointed. I was hoping to receive his sms. But none at all. And coincidentally, I met him . He was driving out. It was exactly 5pm then! I was stunned at that instant. Not that he looked very "suave" or anything. To me, what I felt was that do I even know this person. He was trying to act cool. The feeling was very uneasy. Actually it had occurred to me many times that he may not be suitable for me and I think at that instant, the feeling became more distinct and obvious. It was just that all along I was trying to escape from reality. Kept on dragging my feet.
I guess even for now, I have not really let go. I am very emotional so it is going to take longer for me. It really hurts to know that it does not bother him a single abit at all. I remember he just replied on 20th oct monday morning at 9 plus (so long after that), to say " well if you think so, really sorry...." Really so numb. I was stupid enough to tell him I was very bothered and even initiated a meet up for a talk. What was I thinking. He only replied 7 plus at night the same day and said Hmm I think we both need some time alone to sort our thoughts out. Well I am not sure if he had sorted his thoughts out. I should not be harbouring any hopes, but I just felt that the whole thing was dangling there. Feels strange.

Well, I really have to let go..... Hopefully soon..... Find a better one

28th April 2008: feeling bored and upset

It seems to be a very long time since I last updated on this blog.

07/03/08: last day of term 1 ( end of wk 2 of practicum)

Heh heh... today marks the end of the first two weeks of practicum. I am so happy... So high that I no mood to do anything. V slack..btw today is the release of the a level results...many pple v nervous... heh heh... dat was so long ago for me.... Still feeling super sleepy... not enuff sleep as usual.. always freezing cold at nite den wake up...today the sch is having their area cleaning.. something like spring cleaning so i miss my two periods of math... hmmm.... oki update again soon... looking forward to my one week break of march hols!!! so exciting.... heh heh heh

6/3/08: reflection for the first 8 days of practicum

Seems a long time since I last updated in this blog. I am feeling super sleepy now. Woke up at 4am again this morning. For the past few days, I have been waking up v early at 4 plus... oh dear me... so far I would say that I am coping v well with my practicum now. Well I do have some problems with one of the classes but I guess i just have to continue to work hard. Gambette! I need to gather and build up my experience. Yay march holidays coming!

23rd Feb SMMT: Will I pass?

Had my second round of SMMT today. Made many many careless mistakes. I hope I will pass.... sigh.... so tired out now....

Boring yuan xiao jie

Today is the 15th according to the lunar calendar, marking the last day of the 2008 lunar new year. I am so bored. Although I am supposed to be mugging for my SMMT now but still v bored so I feel like slacking for a while. One thing I feel happy about is that I seem to have improved this semester. I no longer have as much difficulty with writing my essays. Of course they are not so well-written la but still they are my work I actually took much lesser time than I expected.
Oh yes I went down for induction at my practicum school on tue (19th feb). Quite look forward to it. hope it is good.

Shall update another time.

Yay: microteaching for math on 30 jan over

Yay! My maths microteaching is finally over. I thought I was the 3rd one to present. Turned out that I was the 4th one. Strangely I did not feel nervous at all. But I spoke really fast (I did not even realize till Dr. Tay pointed out. ‘Bad’ influence from my sis…. Ha ha.. find someone to blame) Anyway the funny thing was that I was hoping to quickly present and get it over and done with. But then dunno wadz wrong with Dr. Tay. Probably because he had a lot of time to spare. Cos he did not comment much on Steven at all. Not sure if it is because of the age so he did not want to embarrass him or wad. Anyway shan’t comment much. Ya what happened wad that after he finished commenting on Chi Wai’s presentation, I thought it was my turn. But then he still wanna crack what stupidn joke. So irritating. I was not in the mood to hear his joke lor. Dunno wad TJ, HCJC and VJC competition joke. According to him, VJ and TJ competition very keen. He taught in TJ.
Anyway finally my turn. Time passed very quickly. I did not even have time to finish what I have prepared. Haha. Anyway… I added some parts. Some questioning on the whiteboard. Can k=0? Is x directly proportional to y etc? He feels that I shld go slower for this part. Slowly tune the class to the mathematical mode of k and equations etc. Plus the class is sec 2 of average ability so may not be able to handle. Maybe ask in the later part of the question. Plus some egs and non- examples to test understanding. So Dr Tay asked me abt it why not in the lesson plan. And he said I spoke faster and faster and asked if I was nervous. I said no. Cos of time constraints. Anyway he did not like all my examples. But come to think of it, it is quite true la. For the overdue book, towards a certain stage, why wld pple be so stupid to pay the large fine accumulated? Just pay for the cost of the book lor. The daily examples of the oranges mentioned by Chi Wai too. Bargaining etc. And then the petrol vs distance traveled given by dunno who.. dunno wad is his name… a lot of factors to be considered…ha ha I did not even noe how to handle and I knew Dr. Tay gonna comment on that.O yes Dr. Tay also mentioned that the double, triple and half etc for overdue book is quite obvious. No need spend so much time.

O yes I want to talk abt Shuwen’s lesson on mean and median. I thought it was not bad. The idea of using post it to collect raw data on the number of hours student spend on computer. Students divided into groups of 3-4. Each person supposed to write the number of hours spend on the post it. Then stick on the board. Then problem comes in. Cos so many post it. How to determine which group spend more time etc. if students say sum then say some grps 3 some groups 4 pple. Not v fair. Most prob students will say take average. Then we can now bring in the concept of mean. Explain that in statistics the average is called the mean. Then slowly show formula on the board. Then model one example. Ask students to do the average for the rest. Next bring in the idea of median by saying I add in 24 hours. Then ask student to calculate the average. (24+1+2)/3 = 9 . Wah now the mean becomes so bind. According to sch regulations, more than 6 hours on com have to send for counseling. So whole group has to go counseling. Then the group will protest cos of one person unfair! So now we introduce the median. Arrange the data from smallest to biggest then take the centre value. Measures of central tendency!

maths microteaching on 30jan 2008

hello...it seems to be a long time since i last updated on this blog. today i have my math microlesson teachng.. feeling kinda nervous anad afraid... perhaps anxious is the more appropriate word.... aniwae hope everything runs smoothly... heee..

22nd jan actual microteaching for chem

Not sure if it was the effects of the aprozolam or not. Anyway I actually did not feel as nervous today and was even more confident. Could see that the response from the classmates was quite good. Even Dr. Tsoi was very shocked. I suppose is because he did not expect such a vast improvement. But honestly, although there is still a lot of room for improvement for me, I am really very glad that I made such a tremendous improvement today as compared to last tuesday. It made me even more confident. Worried that excessive anxiety will build up today, I swallowed an aprazolam. anyway I am really glad that things turn out well. Well can't help but tremble just now as I was pouring the aq KI into the evaporating dish. Lucky there was no spillage. However, I was really trembling. Can't control the movement of hands at all. Oh yes I was really glad about the time management as well. Did not exceed. Expt also turned out well. Luckily I changed to evaporating dish. Greater surface area. Easier to see. Concentration of solution better today too. More brownish discharge. I was very pleased with the magnets, 'red cat', 'an ox' and the animation as well. Great job done!

Chemistry microteaching trial on 15th january 08

Yesterday was my chemistry microteaching trial. I was not well prepared. I was very nervous, the video took a long time to streamline. I should let it load beforehand. The lesson progress was too slow. I forgot what I wanted to say. But Dr Tsoi said something abt methods 1-4 which all involve acids. This answered the query I have.
I felt very upset and down after that. Din feel like doing anything and felt very tired.

Pseudomembranous Conjunctivitis: Diagnosed by Dr Vernon Yong at the EYe Atrium Clinic at TTSH.

Yesterday (11th Jan) , I went to see Dr. Fong again due to decreased vision of the eye. I was very puzzled at what was wrong with my right eye. It has been so many days and there has not been much improvement even though I was prescribed a stronger antibiotic by the polyclinic. It is simply taking too long to heal. I felt very worried and uneasy. It seems to be a bad omen. It is just the start of school and I am taking so many days of MC. And some people are just very insensitive. People like Jiasheng. I can tell how scared he was. But he really made me feel very uncomfortable and uneasy. He made remarks like it is extermely contagiuos. There should not be any contact, saliva etc. sigh....I was already feeling vey awful with all the discharge etc from my eye. It feels really awful to be half blind. It was as if I was going blind. I felt very much alone and out of place at NIE. Well these are the hard facts of life I guess. Anyway I was given 2 days MC on 8-9 January so I wrote to inform my maths tutor Dr Tay as well as chem tutor Dr Tsoi about it. The reply I received from Dr. Tay was really quite odd. He said, "Ok, but do get an MC". To me, it made me feel more uneasy, as if I was faking. I did not do it on purpose also. I mean who wants such a thing to happen right. But well it is only when such a thing happens that we tend to realise that every part of our body plays an equally important role. We really cant do without one part. But really, I always encounter all the most unlucky stuff. Dunno y. Quite down on luck. Dr Tsoi was really nice. He said, " Hi, Pls take care". That gave me much more assurance.
As I was saying I went to see Dr. Fong and I told him that I felt my vision was declining, so I go really worried that I was going blind. Preliminary checks by him revealed that there was a small abrasion at my cornea (or retina I cant rem) By the way I had some weird allergy too on my arms. The strange thing is that it was not itchy or painful at all. Just redness. I thought it was showing initial signs of outbreak of chicken pox!!! haha... but of course it did not look like it cos there was no pus or blister like marks.
Anyway he referred me to see an eye specialist. He said it is located at hougang ave 8, some very nice doc, according to him. The nurse outside told me to go home and rest first while she make the appointment But unfortunately after waiting for a long time, she finally called me back at around 1245 to inform me that she did not manage to contact the eye specialist at Hg ave 8 and made an appointment for me with Dr. vernon Yong at TTSH instead. I heard Veron, thinking that it was a female doctor. Haha. Anyway I was quite irritated at having to travel all the way to TTSH. Cos if not for the delay, I could have gone for an appointment from 1130 to 1230 at the eye clinic at AMK ave 8 with a Dr Law. Very strange though. his consultation is only an hour from 1130 to 1230. After that no more consulttion because according to the nurse, he would be doing some surgery. I felt quite exasperated becuase from the namecrad, he is from Mt Elizabeth hospital. Well, I guess I just have the bias and belief that doctors at Mt E are very good and experienced.
Anyway I agreed to go for the appointment eventually at scheduled at 220 pm at TTSH though abit reluctabnt because of the location. Its so far. I waited for soem time too .anw i was diagnosed by Dr. Yong that I am suffering from pseudomembranous conjunctivitis. He removed some disgusting membrane for me and showed me. the membrane prevented the med from flowin in thereby impeding the recovery process. Quite painful. It is some viral infection, possibly from adenovirus as I seracehd in the net? I am not sure. Aniwae there was a bit of bleeding. I am glad that I went for the treatment though I am not sure why I am so lcuky. Alwas meet with all the unfortaunate stuff. Sigh. Hope better luck comes my way. The fees was $71.30 and 12.45 fpr the medicine. i was prescribed with Tobradex, one drop to the affected right eye 4 times a day.

Welcoming first day of school with conjunctivtis

Today is my first day of school.... N i welcomed the new yr with conjunctivitis... alot of discharge from the eye... n spreaded from the right eye to the left... today was the first lesson for QED 565... surviving and thriving as a beginning teacher.... den many pple shared abt their ese.... seems dat there is a lot to "learn"... abt politics.... etc..... N during lunch, i almost got choked eating my bee hoon... the old unpleasant feeling came back when the food got stuck and could not go down.. i even rushed to the toilet but lucky eventually i din feel like vomitting..... n i went to the lab to try out my lesson plan for qcy520.. realised it cant work... it is v bad.... n another thing is that my right hand keep trembling... it was not steady... this is only a practice session u noe.... Was i nervous?

Conjunctivitis and school reopening

Hai, got a sore eye in my right eye on 3 jan when i started rubbing it. now it has gotten worse and even spreaded to my left eye. so upsetting. Went to NTUC healthcare for consultation yesterday. As Dr. Fong decribes it, it is highly contagious and I was advised to take MC on Monday, the first day of school. Another thing is with regards to Simone's tuition. Till now there is no news from her ever since I have lowered the fees from $260 to $250. think I have quoted too high a price. This time round I am not worth this market value. So disheartening. Sigh.

First day of 2008! New Wishes for the year ahead!

Today is the first day of 2008! Surprisingly I feel very light-hearted. I feel refreshed, rechargde and enlightened suddenly. I feel like I have been given a new lease of life. Hee.... The feeling is great and amazing. I hope the year ahead will be a great one! Cheers! Happy 2008!All of a sudden I have some ideas for my chemistry lesson on electrolysis! The inspiration just came out of a sudden.
Thanks! Million thanks to all the help that was given to me!