Kukup Trip (21-22 dec 2007)

Kukup is located near the coastal areas and is near Johor Bahru. Initally when I heard that we would be visiting a resort, I thought that it is some kind of beach resort. Turns out that it is not. Well it is some kind of waterhouse. Kukup is a fishing village. We went outshore to visit the kelong. I was quite amazed and impressed when I saw the young boys aged 12 and 11 doing an introduction for us. The older boy gave us a brief introduction of some of the characteristics of the sea creatures. I even touched a starfish. Take note that a starfish actually has no eyes. haha. Oh yes he told us that one of the species of fish is carnivorous. We also saw a baby shark.
Actually the thing that affected and disturbed me the most is that I felt I could not fit into the crowd. I do not even know how to play games like Daiti, Bridge, Mahjong etc. Especially so when Jingjia (Oops i cant even rem her name) asked me how come I dunno how to play since all these games are played during New Year and chalets etc. They are played many times of the year. I was stumped. I felt really uneasy.

Release of Results

Today is 20th December. Feeling a bit odd. It is 2 plus in the morning now but I do not really want to go to bed. I am feeling odd. Decided to go to the portal to check if the results are released. I was not very concerned about the grades. Really. This is because it really is not so important now. The grades in NIE. Rather, it is more of my ability. Well I did quite ok. Cap of 4.36. But it did not really matter to me. Frankly speaking. I think the more difficult part is what lies ahead.

Wild thoughts at 1:21 am

It is 1:21 am now and again I am letting my thoughts run wild. The meeting up with Daniel was really scary. I did not quite enjoy it. Instead of assurance, I got even more frightened. What am I to do?

Fusionrobics

Today is the first day I attended Fusionrobics class with Wenling. Hmm I did not really enjoy the class though I tried my best to laugh it off and be comfortable with it. Well it must be because I cannot really catch up with the dance steps that's why so I did not enjoy myself immersely.

Wenling mentioned her younger sister to me. I was very surprised to hear that her Dad only gave her $50 to survive for 9 days. That is really too little. Impossible for her to survive for 9 days. And the amazing thing was that she was so sensible and resilient. She actually kept quiet about it. It made me reflect on how childish I am, fearing the smallest thing.

Swimming and The golden compass

Well I went to watch Golden Compass on Tuesday with Shihui. Kept on dozing off. It is an epic show. I realised I did not really like it. Find that time passes really very quickly. 2007 is going to be over real soon. And soon I am going to be 24. How old.

I hvae been thinking alot lately. The more I think the more afraid I am.
The reason I feel so afraid is that I have been smoking through all my life. I am a real silly bird. I feel I am not ready for work as there are many things that I cannot do. This is really bad. I have always been too reliant on my parents. Now my sis is no longer here too. I feel very lonely and afraid. I have no one to talk to.

Fengying's Wedding: What it meant to me

I attended my cousin, Fengying's wedding dinner today (9th dec 2007). Oh yes and I felt really useful cos i was the receptionist and even received $28 angbow. I can feel the loviness between the couple. It made me fantasize about my own future. And oh yes I was quite attracted to Tse Wei's poly friend, Jun jie. Makes me wonder if he was attached. If only the feeling was mutual and he could take a step further. But well, that is just fantasy on my part. Will I be able to find someone who can show such tender loving care for me?

Meeting up with Siew Chin

Forgot to add that I met Peiqi, my secondary school friend by chance yesterday on nel dhoby ghaut station, she is doing auditing now. Very happy with her job although she laments that it is very tiring. Can see her genuine interest and passion in her job! Same goes for Chin Leng. I hope I have the same passion. I realised that lately, I have been so fearful that the fear has kind of enveloped my passion. This is terrible.
Well today, I actually called up Dr Brian Yeo for an appointment initially but eventually i called to cancel again. This is because it is really very expensive. And moreover, I felt it might not be very effective. Imagine seeing him for just half an hour for $150!
Oh finally on the topic of meeting Siew Chin. She is such a sweet friend. I feel completely at ease and comfortable with her. No stress and worries. I can fully relax. I had a most pleasant evening with her. Hee. Must bug and disturb her more often. I realised that many people (my friends) seemed to have matured a lot after they have gone to work. I guess this is like what my mum has said. It would take a while. I guess I am this kind. Throw me on a deserted island and I must learn how to survive. Such things cannot be rushed. It takes time. I am sure those things that I do not know I can learn to pick up later.
Now I wish to try out more things. widen my interests and expand my social circle. This will change my perspective of life. Geez. Anyway it has been a pleasant evening. Oh yes i felt quite excited and mesmerised by the X'mas tree at vivocity. Actually I took a liking a bear handphone chain but ah.. $6 is a bit ex la... So in the end I did not buy... A real miser right... ha ha.

New Post

Yesterday I felt very uneasy so I went to the temple to pray. I am quite afraid leh... I am really very immature. Smsed Chiew Yan to tell her I not going to church now and she has no reply. Makes me a bit sad and uncomfortable. She was so 'concerned' initially.
Smsed Fengying to ask her more about teaching. My heart is really thumping much faster. I feel very apprehensive abt worklife ahead.
Met up with Wei Ting yesterday. She is so positive about life and everything. If only I am like her.
O ya i joined Facebook yesterday. Realised how late I am in this kind of things. this morning then i visited Friendster. I realised people dun reli visit there anymore.

Anxiety

Still find it hard to overcome this terrible anxiety. Last evening went for a swim. Felt really rejuvenated after that and I had a very good appetite after that. Oh by the way, I even went to smsed Daniel. I think I must be crazy. Watched quite a few episodes of coffee prince too. Well not particularly nice and romantic leh. Anyway could kill time too. Initially I thought I would be able to sleep well last night. But surprisingly I could not. There were still some thoughts that was bugging me. I am very afraid. This morning I feel very tense and anxious again. There is some construction and renovation work going on in the block on the level below my floor. The drilling noise makes me feel very anxious and uneasy.
There is some unknown fear that is crippling me. I really have to learn to overcome. I hope I will be able to do it.

touched

Aha... Seems that i have forgotten abt this blog for quite a few days... bad bad...
Today I went to see the counsellor at the family service centre. Well I would say she made me see the meeting with the sub-dean from another light. Well it is quite true that I was not too assertive and firm to speak out what I feel. As such I felt victimised in that sense. But still I did not feel very good about the whole incident. I wish very much for it to be erased from my memory. But one thing I have to agree is that if I keep going on like this, I might eventually go into hiding in future. However, now i do not seem to trust her as much. In fact now I am starting to doubt whatever the counsellor says. I am not very convinced with some of the things she says now. I may not want to go and see her anymore.
Today I talked to Teacher Chiew Yan from my sis' church. I had a long talk with her. She is a very pleasant person to talk to. I felt quite at ease talking to her. We talked for a very long time. One thing that I do not feel very comfortable about is that my mum tends to like to listen to everything I say and wants to know whom I talked to. I feel that this may somehow infringe my privacy. but well...

Next is the 2 e-cards I received from Pris. V sweet. i felt very touched upon receiving both cards. Initially I wanted to open one card only because I thought both cards were the same. I am glad that I did open both cards. I like the background music. It had a soothing and calming effect on me. I felt more relaxed and less tense after that.
Recently, I feel I have been exposed to a lot of religion (Christianity). I am not sure if I am ready or want to accept or not.