Now that I have so much free time at hand, I feel terribly lost.
And I just discovered and suspect something. He might have blocked me from his msn. That made me feel very bad.
Sigh.
Btw I really regretting blogging in sch that day. Stupidest idea of all. Don't know if anyone saw.
Don't feel like writing anymore.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The end of the First.......... ( 19th Oct- 3months & 12 days)
Oh. It has been 6 months and 1 day since I last entered a blog. I thought it was much much longer. 10 months or so . Aniwae, having a lot of jumbled thoughts now. As usual, I feel a little uneasy. Thought I should just pen it down as encouraged by my friend, KS.
Hmm, just got to know my deployment for next year yesterday on 28th Oct. I will be moving on to JC 2 next year. Although my head had already given me very obvious hints that I will be going on to JC 2, it still came as surprise or rather shock. This is because just a few days before, AS had just told me that according to the SOW, it seems that I won't be going up to JC2. Anyway, when I realised that I am going up without the other two of them, I felt a sense of uneasiness and worry. I am worried that I may not be able to cope with JC2 workload. Hence yesterday I felt quite low. And then there is the Japanese language course at Goro language school to worry about.
Anyway, back to the title, aim of today's blog.... I thought I had let go, or at least the heart will not feel the pain anymore. But I realised it is not true. Especially when I am alone, I am especially vulnerable. It started officially on my 24th birthday and ended on 19th Oct. I smsed him on 19th Oct(Sun) night at about 9 plus. I said, " Not sure if you feel the same way, I feel that our r/s is not working out well because of the lack of communication. Perhaps it might be better if we just remain as friends. He was on msn during that time. He had saw my sms but did not want to reply. Only at about 10.20 did he log off. At about 10.40, it was really troubling me as I had expected some form of response from him. But there was no response! I smsed him again to ask if he were asleep. No reply still. I did not sleep well that night. Woke up many times in the night.
I do not deny the fact that the message was sent on impulse. In fact it was. But no matter how many times I ask myself, I do not regret the decision and should not. It was the right decision afterall each time I rationalise with myself. However, the mind does not connect with the heart many a times. Afterall it was my first! Sometimes I find it really infuriating! Why is it that the guy can feel so numb while I am the one who still hold on it and cannot let go?
I remember we started chatting on msn on Sunday, 22nd June. Apparently he was with his mum at Vivocity on Sat and he saw me. Then he added me on facebook. Sent me 2 emails, one on facebook and the other on hotmail. Also added me as a friend.
It really came as a surprise. In fact I was quite amused. Wonder where did this guy come from? Approach me suddenly. Anyway I thought there was no harm making friends. So I added him on msn and and facebook. Then we had quite a long chat on msn. That was our first and longest chat ever on msn.
Anyway after that we exchanged contacts and he did sms me everyday ( a few times everyday ) and we kept in touch for the first week. Oh yes he did call me another time to find out more details. Well he is really particular about certain things. A scary thing about him. It was all pleasant and sweet. I thought the right person had appeared.
Then we finally met up officially for the first time on 1st July. Strangely I did not enjoy the first meeting and thought all would end after that. Then he smsed me again the next day.
Then went on smsing for the next week. Till he called me on Sun to ask me out on Mon. Which is my 24th Birthday. I was quite touched that he knew and remembered. He is really experienced.
Now as I reflect, I guess I had expected too much from the relationship. I had expected more, which he could not and will never give. All along he was never too committed to the relationship, which makes me wonder why he wanted to start in the first place. Furthermore, as I was always the passive party, I never really dared to voice my opinion. I was at the losing end (especially in terms of emotions) right from the start.
At first I had harboured great hopes for the relationship. However, there was more disappointment than anything. Despite declaring his love for me (which I doubt but at the same time deceiving myself. Because it really felt good even though it might not be real declaration on his part).
There were really many many instances when I really felt very disappointed. Especially on the occasions when he was more free (his off days), he was not even willing to spare some time for me. I felt really insignificant. So many times, I felt neglected.
On the day I went to attend the teaching for transfer talk at NUS on 10th Oct, I was even more disappointed. I was hoping to receive his sms. But none at all. And coincidentally, I met him . He was driving out. It was exactly 5pm then! I was stunned at that instant. Not that he looked very "suave" or anything. To me, what I felt was that do I even know this person. He was trying to act cool. The feeling was very uneasy. Actually it had occurred to me many times that he may not be suitable for me and I think at that instant, the feeling became more distinct and obvious. It was just that all along I was trying to escape from reality. Kept on dragging my feet.
I guess even for now, I have not really let go. I am very emotional so it is going to take longer for me. It really hurts to know that it does not bother him a single abit at all. I remember he just replied on 20th oct monday morning at 9 plus (so long after that), to say " well if you think so, really sorry...." Really so numb. I was stupid enough to tell him I was very bothered and even initiated a meet up for a talk. What was I thinking. He only replied 7 plus at night the same day and said Hmm I think we both need some time alone to sort our thoughts out. Well I am not sure if he had sorted his thoughts out. I should not be harbouring any hopes, but I just felt that the whole thing was dangling there. Feels strange.
Well, I really have to let go..... Hopefully soon..... Find a better one
Hmm, just got to know my deployment for next year yesterday on 28th Oct. I will be moving on to JC 2 next year. Although my head had already given me very obvious hints that I will be going on to JC 2, it still came as surprise or rather shock. This is because just a few days before, AS had just told me that according to the SOW, it seems that I won't be going up to JC2. Anyway, when I realised that I am going up without the other two of them, I felt a sense of uneasiness and worry. I am worried that I may not be able to cope with JC2 workload. Hence yesterday I felt quite low. And then there is the Japanese language course at Goro language school to worry about.
Anyway, back to the title, aim of today's blog.... I thought I had let go, or at least the heart will not feel the pain anymore. But I realised it is not true. Especially when I am alone, I am especially vulnerable. It started officially on my 24th birthday and ended on 19th Oct. I smsed him on 19th Oct(Sun) night at about 9 plus. I said, " Not sure if you feel the same way, I feel that our r/s is not working out well because of the lack of communication. Perhaps it might be better if we just remain as friends. He was on msn during that time. He had saw my sms but did not want to reply. Only at about 10.20 did he log off. At about 10.40, it was really troubling me as I had expected some form of response from him. But there was no response! I smsed him again to ask if he were asleep. No reply still. I did not sleep well that night. Woke up many times in the night.
I do not deny the fact that the message was sent on impulse. In fact it was. But no matter how many times I ask myself, I do not regret the decision and should not. It was the right decision afterall each time I rationalise with myself. However, the mind does not connect with the heart many a times. Afterall it was my first! Sometimes I find it really infuriating! Why is it that the guy can feel so numb while I am the one who still hold on it and cannot let go?
I remember we started chatting on msn on Sunday, 22nd June. Apparently he was with his mum at Vivocity on Sat and he saw me. Then he added me on facebook. Sent me 2 emails, one on facebook and the other on hotmail. Also added me as a friend.
It really came as a surprise. In fact I was quite amused. Wonder where did this guy come from? Approach me suddenly. Anyway I thought there was no harm making friends. So I added him on msn and and facebook. Then we had quite a long chat on msn. That was our first and longest chat ever on msn.
Anyway after that we exchanged contacts and he did sms me everyday ( a few times everyday ) and we kept in touch for the first week. Oh yes he did call me another time to find out more details. Well he is really particular about certain things. A scary thing about him. It was all pleasant and sweet. I thought the right person had appeared.
Then we finally met up officially for the first time on 1st July. Strangely I did not enjoy the first meeting and thought all would end after that. Then he smsed me again the next day.
Then went on smsing for the next week. Till he called me on Sun to ask me out on Mon. Which is my 24th Birthday. I was quite touched that he knew and remembered. He is really experienced.
Now as I reflect, I guess I had expected too much from the relationship. I had expected more, which he could not and will never give. All along he was never too committed to the relationship, which makes me wonder why he wanted to start in the first place. Furthermore, as I was always the passive party, I never really dared to voice my opinion. I was at the losing end (especially in terms of emotions) right from the start.
At first I had harboured great hopes for the relationship. However, there was more disappointment than anything. Despite declaring his love for me (which I doubt but at the same time deceiving myself. Because it really felt good even though it might not be real declaration on his part).
There were really many many instances when I really felt very disappointed. Especially on the occasions when he was more free (his off days), he was not even willing to spare some time for me. I felt really insignificant. So many times, I felt neglected.
On the day I went to attend the teaching for transfer talk at NUS on 10th Oct, I was even more disappointed. I was hoping to receive his sms. But none at all. And coincidentally, I met him . He was driving out. It was exactly 5pm then! I was stunned at that instant. Not that he looked very "suave" or anything. To me, what I felt was that do I even know this person. He was trying to act cool. The feeling was very uneasy. Actually it had occurred to me many times that he may not be suitable for me and I think at that instant, the feeling became more distinct and obvious. It was just that all along I was trying to escape from reality. Kept on dragging my feet.
I guess even for now, I have not really let go. I am very emotional so it is going to take longer for me. It really hurts to know that it does not bother him a single abit at all. I remember he just replied on 20th oct monday morning at 9 plus (so long after that), to say " well if you think so, really sorry...." Really so numb. I was stupid enough to tell him I was very bothered and even initiated a meet up for a talk. What was I thinking. He only replied 7 plus at night the same day and said Hmm I think we both need some time alone to sort our thoughts out. Well I am not sure if he had sorted his thoughts out. I should not be harbouring any hopes, but I just felt that the whole thing was dangling there. Feels strange.
Well, I really have to let go..... Hopefully soon..... Find a better one
Sunday, April 27, 2008
28th April 2008: feeling bored and upset
It seems to be a very long time since I last updated on this blog.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
07/03/08: last day of term 1 ( end of wk 2 of practicum)
Heh heh... today marks the end of the first two weeks of practicum. I am so happy... So high that I no mood to do anything. V slack..btw today is the release of the a level results...many pple v nervous... heh heh... dat was so long ago for me.... Still feeling super sleepy... not enuff sleep as usual.. always freezing cold at nite den wake up...today the sch is having their area cleaning.. something like spring cleaning so i miss my two periods of math... hmmm.... oki update again soon... looking forward to my one week break of march hols!!! so exciting.... heh heh heh
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
6/3/08: reflection for the first 8 days of practicum
Seems a long time since I last updated in this blog. I am feeling super sleepy now. Woke up at 4am again this morning. For the past few days, I have been waking up v early at 4 plus... oh dear me... so far I would say that I am coping v well with my practicum now. Well I do have some problems with one of the classes but I guess i just have to continue to work hard. Gambette! I need to gather and build up my experience. Yay march holidays coming!
Friday, February 22, 2008
23rd Feb SMMT: Will I pass?
Had my second round of SMMT today. Made many many careless mistakes. I hope I will pass.... sigh.... so tired out now....
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Boring yuan xiao jie
Today is the 15th according to the lunar calendar, marking the last day of the 2008 lunar new year. I am so bored. Although I am supposed to be mugging for my SMMT now but still v bored so I feel like slacking for a while. One thing I feel happy about is that I seem to have improved this semester. I no longer have as much difficulty with writing my essays. Of course they are not so well-written la but still they are my work I actually took much lesser time than I expected.
Oh yes I went down for induction at my practicum school on tue (19th feb). Quite look forward to it. hope it is good.
Shall update another time.
Oh yes I went down for induction at my practicum school on tue (19th feb). Quite look forward to it. hope it is good.
Shall update another time.
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